I was just barely settling into the crippling debt that comes standard with Janu-worry (#KiddingNotKidding) but hey, the shortest month of the year is already here to take center-stage.
So I guess my first question should be…is Valentine’s Day still a thing?
And I don’t mean that in a ‘passive-aggressive, boo-hoo I’m single’ kind-of-way, but in a ‘genuinely-asking-because-marketing-seems-to-have-turned-all-the-way-down’ kind-of-way.
Aside from a couple of weirdly timed emails about getting your outfit ready for V-Day, or ordering a pizza combo for 2, Valentines just seems a bit lack this year.
And look, full disclosure, my only Valentine has ever been my dad (roses every year), so maybe I don’t really know what Valentines Day should look like.
I truly believe there’s a romantic in all of us and that we all have unique ways of expressing this. It could range from something as subtle as a note in your lunchbox to a grand romantic gesture at some stadium somewhere.
Also, I believe (and I’m thankful for the fact) that romantic love is not the only, or most important love that we should be focusing on and celebrating (though this tends to be the case).
I recently realised that I’ve wanted to be in a relationship SO badly that I had cultivated so many feelings of unworthiness because of it. I know we’re not defined by our relationship status, but because I’m clocking towards my late twenties (and black and female), at times, it almost feels as if there’s some juju on my heartbeat.
In my experience and because of the person I aspire to be, I tend to want to see the best in people even if this means compromising some of my own happiness. Most recently, I found myself incredibly hurt by someone who seemed to take advantage of this.
And I tell you, I just could not understand it because “I was just so nice to them, how could they treat me in this way knowing how I feel about them and that we’re friends?!”
But – after wading through the tears, emotions, fried chicken and chocolate that I was left with in the aftermath of a less than ideal public discussion of this person’s behaviour towards me, I realised that while we can’t stop people from acting in a certain way towards us (read: a fool), we also can’t blame them for what we allow into our lives.
It was a bittersweet moment for me because I believe, in an alternate universe, I’m likely a black hippy living off the land that wants peace, love and happiness for everybody. Myself included.
But because in reality, I’m a more of a glamping girl that is terrified of moths, I had to “let that shit go” and forgive myself for allowing this to happen because a) I’m not a “fixer” – even though the good Lord knows I struggle with this daily – and b) I had decided some time ago that I wouldn’t compromise on my own happiness no matter how right a person or situation may feel at the time.
As I mentioned, I’ve wanted a relationship for some time now, and I think because of how this situation was presented, I was willing to sacrifice three baby goats to make it happen.
[But also this person kept giving me signals that were confusing my twenty-something-year-old ovaries, so liiike??]
Anyway. It was a tough lesson on self-love that I’m learning and relearning every day. Just because this didn’t work out, doesn’t make me any less worthy of a great big love in which I am pursued and wooed in ways that I guess some people deem fictional in today’s world of dating.
It sucks mostly because I felt as if I had made so much progress until this situation, unfortunately, knocked me off my feet.
But only just a little.
I don’t think the person in question is a bad person. They’re great and I know they’ll make someone seriously ooey-gooey happy one day.
All I can hope and pray for in the interim is that we both grow from this (
some more than others) and accept no less than we deserve. Because that is what this love stuff is about right? Receiving an incredible, unconditional big great love that brings us serenity, security and peace.
Well, I guess that’s just the romantic in me talking.
Anyway, I hope this for you too: you deserve happiness. A great big slice of it. And anything that messes with your peace, is just not worth it. As I have gleaned from this experience – Let. That. Shit. Go.
As V-day creeps up on us, I hope you’re able to show your friends, family, lover(s) and self a bit more of that affection you deserve on this super commercial holiday.
I know I’ll certainly be working on it. And #TreatingMyself because a girl deserves nice things.
What are your thoughts or plans for #VDay2018? Any stuff you have to let go? Tell me in the comments below.